Unending mist envelops my mind as I try to think clearly for what feels like the first time, but I can't get through to the sunshine that I used to feel when I had clarity in my brain. It is as if my thoughts are being choked and cut off- becoming incomplete and incomprehensible. Basic things become incoherent. Living life naturally has become impossible. Stimulants to increase the function of my brain and depressants at night to shut it off are the only way I can wade through the never-ending fog. Day by day, I wander around unable to see in front of my own face until I run into a wall. I know this isn't who I am. There is something wrong with me, but I can't figure out what it is that keeps me from being normal again. I seek help out through vices and other people, but none of it helps. Antidepressants seem to be working less and less, things become unenjoyable because I can't think clearly. I don't eat; if I do, my stomach turns. If I sleep, I wake up shortly after, periodically, from vivid dreams and nightmares. What is causing this? Why am I plagued by vivid thoughts in my sleep, but unable to think clearly while I'm awake?
Through the use of copious amounts of caffeine, I can somewhat get back to what I felt was a clear head, but even then, I still have moments where I can't think linear thoughts. I find it hard to remember simple things that I shouldn't have issues recalling. Am I defective? My whole life I have felt that my physical self was never and will never be good enough to meet the standards that the world has created, but I never doubted the integrity of my mind. This past year, I have begun to question even that. It feels as if I am degenerating slowly across all the fields of existence. Am I exaggerating? Probably, but nevertheless, something is wrong.
