I don't know what I want.
Starting over at an entry-level job feels self-abusive and impossible to manage funds, but I also feel like I am not qualified for much more than that. I mean, an ex-teacher who transitioned to sales is not what I imagined for myself. Money is incredibly tight. There is an invisible hand squeezing me harder and harder until I can't breathe and my heart feels like it will burst from the pressure. The pressure of performance, upholding my family's expectations of me that I have constantly under-delivered on, providing for my wife who is struggling to adapt to our new life, and pressure to perform in a workplace that is blatantly failing.
At the dealership I'm at, there are so many problems internally that it bottlenecks the ability to perform where they need it. The weight that is on the shoulders of management to perform creates a barrier to new concepts and ideas that would be risky, time-consuming, or just difficult to execute, but without these, there is no progress to be made on my end with sales. Relying on people walking up will never become successful without the direct implementation of sales tactics that bring people off the street inside. Online advertisement is misguided and severely underfunded. What can I do? Give up, try something else, and restart again? The lack of healthcare has been eating away at me to the point where I am genuinely worried I will have lasting damage to my body from unchecked high blood sugar. I am married so my combined income is too much to qualify for state insurance, but I make too little to even get a $100/mo loan approved. There is no logic in this.
I should note that I hate my job. I don't like selling things people cannot afford, and I don't like not having many opportunities to even do it. Both sales jobs I've been at have been so abysmally slow that, even when I am performing at an incredibly high percentage above, it looks like an average day for a busier area. I miss my pay and coworkers from my previous job, but hated living in Washington. I hate my coworkers- who are racist, classist, and genuinely selfish people (you know, literally everyone in a dealership). Working here for minimum wage, where I now am in debt to the dealership from underperformance, has caused my mental health some serious damage. On week 3, it began. There was a noticeable feeling I had coming into work. Dread, impending doom, depression, and hatred (Jeane and Vicky if you ever read this you are a majority of the reason I hate it here, and you're awful people to be involved in any type of work or conversation with).
I had my hopes set on a job that was almost promised to me by a recruiter. I've learned my lesson on this- never trust the recruiter's enthusiasm. That's their job to keep you as a potential hire with interest. But, when it came down to it, the hiring managers wanted nothing to do with me because my area of management was not the type of management they were looking for. I hope their crops whither, their cows become plag- just kidding, but I do want their hiring choices to be terrible until I look like a diamond in the rough. I hate being glanced over and passed on. Give me an opportunity, and I overdeliver every time. Even where I am now, there has been a decent amount of growth in my ability to sell cars. While I don't have several referrals and a book of business built up, I do have a much better ability to close on a sale with someone who walks up. Take last month: I sold 4 cars. Eleven days into this one, and I have sold 4 cars. That's a growth rate of 66% if it holds.
Maybe I'm glazing myself to cheer up. Hard times make for hard men. I've gotten incredibly shrewd at cutting costs. Budgeting is now one of my better skills. The way I stretch a dollar is impressive when I make less than I have going out. Eventually, it will become worse, but I am prolonging it as long as possible.
I think I will keep searching, and hope to find a job that both satisfies me and allows me to survive.
